I admit, I have a problem with attachment. I can love the fuck out of someone and not trust them at all. Or trust someone explicitly, but I will probably never love them. A lot of people talk about how trust is this huge thing in relationships, and yeah to a point I agree with that, but I have such a hard time trusting people and thus letting them into my life that I don't really see them as going hand in hand. If anything defines a relationship for me, it's the amount of attachment I have to a person and not the trust I put in them.
Exampling is kind of what I need to do now, and for anyone reading this, I'm sorry if it doesn't make huge logical sense, I kind of just need to get these thoughts out. With Will I trusted him, I did. I opened up to him more than I probably have any one person ever. . . and he fucking destroyed me. Admittedly, I let him. But he used every single thing he knew could "break" me and twisted it to his advantage. I had trust issues before that, but he made that chasm even bigger. It got to the point where I didn't trust him at all. And I became completely unattached and uncaring in our relationship. And thus, the relationship was no more. Well, there were other bumps along the road, but you know. And with Nathan, weirdly, I've never felt like another person I was in a relationship understood who I was more than he. And god was I attached, but I never really like opened up about ME. At least, not to a wide enough point to let anything of uber importance to come out.
I think that it why this whole friends with benefits thing is working for me at the moment. I'm attached, even though I'm not supposed to be, and the motherfucker keeps eskimo kissing me even though I've told him many a time that eskimo kisses will make me fucking love you forever. But I'm attached, and I don't have to talk about ME as a person. I can tell him stories, if I want, but they're mostly friendship level stories. I don't have to let him in on my problems, or feel like a burden. It's very. . . freeing.
BUT, I feel that my brain is starting to cause me problems with the whole physicality without being committed thing. I find myself thinking about it, and I don't like it, because I don't want to care about it. I just want this, as it is, for now.
I can't fucking deal with a serious relationship at this point.
I don't like myself enough for me to believe other people can love me.
I still love someone else, and it's not fair to anyone I could plausibly be in a relationship with for me to be as such. I'm not a poly amorous person, I'm fairly sure that I'm only capable of really loving one person at a time.
My mother told me when I was around 16 that she had a friends with benefits situation, but that I shouldn't do it until I was older because it's difficult to differentiate between the feelings that come with it, and at the time I didn't understand. But now I do. He can't reside firmly in the friend category, because he's not. And even though he tells me I can call him my boyfriend (to only people he doesn't know) he's not that to me either. And not that I'm a particularly black/white, right/wrong, fuzzy/clear kind of person, but this definitely blurs things I have attempted to define with my limited relationship experiences.
Fuck, Charlie McDonald, you make my problems seem so silly.
I'm going to try to sleep now.
Exampling is kind of what I need to do now, and for anyone reading this, I'm sorry if it doesn't make huge logical sense, I kind of just need to get these thoughts out. With Will I trusted him, I did. I opened up to him more than I probably have any one person ever. . . and he fucking destroyed me. Admittedly, I let him. But he used every single thing he knew could "break" me and twisted it to his advantage. I had trust issues before that, but he made that chasm even bigger. It got to the point where I didn't trust him at all. And I became completely unattached and uncaring in our relationship. And thus, the relationship was no more. Well, there were other bumps along the road, but you know. And with Nathan, weirdly, I've never felt like another person I was in a relationship understood who I was more than he. And god was I attached, but I never really like opened up about ME. At least, not to a wide enough point to let anything of uber importance to come out.
I think that it why this whole friends with benefits thing is working for me at the moment. I'm attached, even though I'm not supposed to be, and the motherfucker keeps eskimo kissing me even though I've told him many a time that eskimo kisses will make me fucking love you forever. But I'm attached, and I don't have to talk about ME as a person. I can tell him stories, if I want, but they're mostly friendship level stories. I don't have to let him in on my problems, or feel like a burden. It's very. . . freeing.
BUT, I feel that my brain is starting to cause me problems with the whole physicality without being committed thing. I find myself thinking about it, and I don't like it, because I don't want to care about it. I just want this, as it is, for now.
I can't fucking deal with a serious relationship at this point.
I don't like myself enough for me to believe other people can love me.
I still love someone else, and it's not fair to anyone I could plausibly be in a relationship with for me to be as such. I'm not a poly amorous person, I'm fairly sure that I'm only capable of really loving one person at a time.
My mother told me when I was around 16 that she had a friends with benefits situation, but that I shouldn't do it until I was older because it's difficult to differentiate between the feelings that come with it, and at the time I didn't understand. But now I do. He can't reside firmly in the friend category, because he's not. And even though he tells me I can call him my boyfriend (to only people he doesn't know) he's not that to me either. And not that I'm a particularly black/white, right/wrong, fuzzy/clear kind of person, but this definitely blurs things I have attempted to define with my limited relationship experiences.
Fuck, Charlie McDonald, you make my problems seem so silly.
I'm going to try to sleep now.
0 comments:
Post a Comment