Can we just for a minute?
Alright. So we're sitting in the park, because I wanted to go to the park, not because it's particularly nice, but mostly because I didn't feel like bringing him back to the house tonight. We just talk about life and work and things that happen to us. We talked about our respective weekends. And we started talking about his kids and i don't know exactly how we got there but he started talking about us. and he said the one word I didn't want him to say, I don't want him to say, for a while.
"You're not supposed to fall in love. And I don't mean you here, I mean... *gestures to self*"
I swear to god, if he could have seen my face he probably would have....i don't know...I was complete deer in headlights, sharp intake of breath, voice screaming in my head "NONONONONO!"
With him saying that, it does this thing to me where I think that it's okay to develop more serious feelings for him, which it's not. That was our agreement upon starting this whole endeavor, or at least, it was the stipulation set down by him at the very beginning "don't get attached" , "don't get your hopes up", "I want you to understand how this works." And now he's the one going and "breaking" that clause.
I am going to be honest here and just say that I do have feelings for him, but I have been repressing them very heavily. It comes down to the fact that I do not really want to have those feelings at all. And with his whole situation, it makes it that much more difficult for me if I did allow those feelings out of the tightly constructed cage I've chained them into. And it blows because no amount of writing or typing is going to make my feelings not be there, or make me stop thinking about "You're not supposed to fall in love."
I want to scream at him, "DON'T LOVE ME! I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON TO LOVE! I seem all happy and bubbly on the outside, but I'm really boring, and I have depression issues. I won't share all of everything with you, and I'll let you walk all over me. I'll start to get upset when you put weed before me, even though I'm not like that now. I'll get attached and fall in love with you, and i'll get frustrated when I feel you don't feel the same level of feeling that I do. . . and I'll cry a lot and there is nothing you can do to make it better.. . . . But I'll always be there for you, if you need me, even if I end up hating you. . . "
Oh man. >.<
Alright. So we're sitting in the park, because I wanted to go to the park, not because it's particularly nice, but mostly because I didn't feel like bringing him back to the house tonight. We just talk about life and work and things that happen to us. We talked about our respective weekends. And we started talking about his kids and i don't know exactly how we got there but he started talking about us. and he said the one word I didn't want him to say, I don't want him to say, for a while.
"You're not supposed to fall in love. And I don't mean you here, I mean... *gestures to self*"
I swear to god, if he could have seen my face he probably would have....i don't know...I was complete deer in headlights, sharp intake of breath, voice screaming in my head "NONONONONO!"
With him saying that, it does this thing to me where I think that it's okay to develop more serious feelings for him, which it's not. That was our agreement upon starting this whole endeavor, or at least, it was the stipulation set down by him at the very beginning "don't get attached" , "don't get your hopes up", "I want you to understand how this works." And now he's the one going and "breaking" that clause.
I am going to be honest here and just say that I do have feelings for him, but I have been repressing them very heavily. It comes down to the fact that I do not really want to have those feelings at all. And with his whole situation, it makes it that much more difficult for me if I did allow those feelings out of the tightly constructed cage I've chained them into. And it blows because no amount of writing or typing is going to make my feelings not be there, or make me stop thinking about "You're not supposed to fall in love."
I want to scream at him, "DON'T LOVE ME! I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON TO LOVE! I seem all happy and bubbly on the outside, but I'm really boring, and I have depression issues. I won't share all of everything with you, and I'll let you walk all over me. I'll start to get upset when you put weed before me, even though I'm not like that now. I'll get attached and fall in love with you, and i'll get frustrated when I feel you don't feel the same level of feeling that I do. . . and I'll cry a lot and there is nothing you can do to make it better.. . . . But I'll always be there for you, if you need me, even if I end up hating you. . . "
Oh man. >.<
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