Dilemmas.

Today was one of those days where I was just so completely irritated and irate with myself that I was completely terrible to be around. I didn't really know what the cause was at first, just that when I woke up at 1030, I knew I didn't want to be around anyone and laying in my bed, being down on myself I might add, seemed like the better option rather than putting Corey through my "I hate myself today" self.
Then work. At first I thought I was in a better mood. I talked to Edwardo, and Nicholas. I greeted and was greeted by other people. I tested the heat of the factory (it was 110 in there today, if anyone was wondering) and then sat in the air conditioning until work actually started. I saw Don, things were alright, but I had one of those sparks of ~I just don't want to see/talk/have to deal with this person~ towards Don. . . and I thought that was odd. Usually I really enjoy spending time with him, so.
I assembled my brackets to the best of my shitty mood ability, and went to go get ice just before break. On my way back, Don waved me over. . . just to tell me he got caught, but the evidence she had disappeared before her very eyes. And I just. I don't know. Snapped? inside. But I was all "oh I don't care" on the outside.
I started having this moral debate with myself about how what I was doing was wrong, and how I knew it but didn't seem to care that I was/am ruining this poor woman's life. And then I'd justify my actions by the fact that if it wasn't me, then it would be some other woman. Or like maybe if she wasn't so frigid, he wouldn't do what he does. But that didn't help. It just made me feel shittier about myself, as it should.
And. . . just....today I legitimately hate myself.
So much of me wants to not have to deal with being me anymore.
I had my first real thoughts of suicide in months today.
I don't want to have these feelings that I've developed for a man I can't ever call mine.
I don't want him to understand me like he does.
I wish I could have kept it simply as sex, the way it was supposed to be.
I'm just very . . .disgusted with myself.
And I know I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't even care anymore, I'll even be happy with my situation.
and that, that disgusts me so much more.