For everything that I've done

I remember I talked to Corey a lot about Don. I talked to Corey a lot about everything until I didn't anymore. But I never talked to Nathan about him, not unless he directly asked about him and even then the answers were short and vague because I knew he didn't want to talk about that. And I didn't want to talk about him because at that time I never intended the relationship to become more. I thought I could control the way I am built, to master my emotions and have a carefree sexual relationship with another person. 

But I require connection along with attraction. I made Don tell me about himself. I asked him all kinds of random questions to get to know him and keep him talking so I didn't have to share. Some nights we wouldn't even have sex, we'd just hang out and talk. And those nights were the hardest ones. At least they were after we started having sex regularly. We were developing feelings and we would talk about those feelings. Which was great because it allowed us to be on the same page but not great because I don't think either of us fully told the truth about those feels. 

Did I ever mention that I was in love with someone else? No.

Did I ever confess how even though the sex was fantastic that the thought of our actions destroying his marriage tore me up inside? Also no. 

I honestly didn't see the relationship going very far.
I underestimated my effects on others.
And my need for physical love. 

I felt like he understood my need and he helped me to satisfy it. He was interesting to talk to because I had never been around anyone like him before. He wasn't needy because he was married. And our time together was pre-scheduled so I knew what to expect. 

That is until mid July when he started changing. He became more distant but also more possessive. He didn't know anything about Nathan but he knew about Thomas. And like I said before, I used Thomas for my own experiment.... but what I did not say is that I also, though inadvertently, used him to make Don jealous. To see if he could be made jealous, because if he could then there were more feelings there than were admitted to. 

And of course there were. Maybe my actions and use of Thomas were what pushed him over the edge. Maybe I told him I was starting to like him as more than a friend. Maybe my barrage of questions and following attention to the answers caused him to be more attached to me than he should have reasonably been. Idk, it was like he woke up one day and decided to take a chance on me and fuck all the rules and agreements we had previously put into place. 

I've noticed that the exact opposite of what I intended to happen is usually the exact thing that happens. 

Either way, Don was here and Nathan was not. And then Don chose me. He showed up at my house one afternoon after he stayed wayyyy to late in the morning. He had his kids. He'd walked them all across town. He told me he chose me and asked me if I chose him back. No pressure. >.<

But, I mean, how could I not? I had been waiting on a grand romantic gesture my whole life. I didn't, not for even one second, stop and consider what accepting this grand gesture was gonna cost me....I just jumped.....

Nathan told me to go out and live my life. to experience and communicate instead of living in my shell with my shame and hurt....and so I tried. And in the course of my life I have lost everything, everything except the person who chose me. 

I thought I'd moved on and I would be able to just jump into my "new" life with Don, and for the most part I did....

but Nathan was always in the back of my mind. Sometimes I'd go months without him in my head and then he would pop back up like he never went away. That's the point of these posts is to try to somehow process where my life is now from where I thought it was going to be during the time period I'm going on about. I really thought I'd closed my chapter with Nathan, but now I'm beginning to realize that it will never be closed. I will always always love him. 

And I miss him, I miss my friend.