I've been thinking about my life.

About where I came from, where I was, the paths I've traveled and adventures I've had and how I came to be where I am today.
then and now.
her and me.
us together.
how my choices affected my present and perception of reality, the world, creation, destruction, chaos.
how I've grown as a person and how I haven't changed at all. 

I've been thinking about love.
Its forms and feelings, its shapes and signs, its effects.
How we can love and hate at the same time.
It's twining directed at the same target to create more conflict and controversy within. 

 I don't think I will ever be able to convey how I was feeling from mid July to mid August of 2011. I've read through my social media posts and my journals only to realize how much of what I was actually feeling was omitted. I was afraid of being truthful outside of myself because I feared the judgments of others and I was honestly disappointed for having real feelings when I told myself I wouldn't.

I was truthful about being conflicted in my feelings towards both men. I lied and said I didn't love Nathan to try to make myself believe it as truth. And I lied to myself thinking that my physical relationship with Don would just stay that way. I was naive in thinking I could control other people's actions with my actions.  I was naive for thinking I could control my emotions.

But like Nathan said, sex doesn't come without feelings ... I'm just so chock damn full of feelings. I loved Nathan, but I was starting to love the way Don made me feel, the way he made my body feel. For my part, I wanted to learn more about actually having sex so if Nathan and I did get back together I could feel those things with him. All that kinky fucked up porn we watched made me want to be more sexually adept. I wanted to be comfortable with my body and confident in the things I could do with it. 

I was learning excellent sexy time skills, I was making bank, and I was having to socialize all day, so I was exhausted by the time I did finally get to talk to Nathan and I was still hurt. And then we barely communicated. Back to the point: one day I woke up and realized I was in love with both of you. And I didn't want to talk to you about those feelings, and I couldn't talk to you about anything that really mattered because I was terrified that you were going to change your mind and disappear and I didn't want to be left. Funny how shit works out.

Looking back I can't say I ever made a choice... I was still talking to Nathan when my friends with benefits situation drastically changed.

I was actually wrestling with what I really wanted, if you remember, and I couldn't be honest  about how it was really Nathan I wanted more than anything because I didn't think I could handle another round of healing my broken heart after whatever switch flipped in him that caused him to push me away.

But I did want Don because he was physically here and some of the best pleasure i had in my life.

There weren't so many attachments, we didn't have history, it was simpler.... I didn't want to be sad and he made me not sad. I wanted to be the sparkle in someones eye, and he made me feel like I was that sparkle. Nathan made me hum, and glow, and waaaant so.much.want. Though I didn't understand the difference until later.