Hello from the other side.

I suppose I should start by apologizing because that is so me, only this time it is my fault. My actions, my choices, my life.

I'm so very sorry for not responding, for distancing, for pushing you away for breaking my heart. I'm so sorry for using the way someone else made me feel to try to negate the loneliness I felt after you broke up with me that last time. I'm so sorry for going interwebs dark and metaphorically leaving you behind.

I remember everything causing me so much turmoil. I know I was an emotional rollercoster that didn't know which way was up most of the time. I wanted to better myself but I didn't know how to get there. It's taken me a long time to realize that what I thought I wanted to be and what I actually am are two very different things. I'm going to blame parent projections of hopes and wishes and dreams for this.
ANYWAY
Everything was happening so quickly there at the end. I didn't get to let you know what was going on, and I didn't get to tell you some things that have been eating me up for years.
I'm terrified that I'm not going to ever be able to tell you and I'll be stuck unresolved for the rest of my life....on an endless repeat cycle where I put you and the memories of you into a box in the back of my mind until you manage to squeeze yourself out and present yourself front and center.

I'm feeling the helplessness and loss I'm sure you felt when I went dark. I would think that with our world so heavily dependent on technology that it would be easier to find you, but that is not the case. I can only hope that one day you stumble back upon my blog. That is, if all my attempts to find and contact you come to nothing....