Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I was so enamoured of a boy man-child that I let it run my life. In 2008 I met a fedora wearing mustachioed sarcastic magnetic flirty asshole. His presence sent electicity all over, hairs raised on my arms, elevated pulse...anxiety that he wouldn't find me as interesting as I found him. We dated, it ended badly, but I couldn't let go. In my whole life I'd only met a few people that made me feel this way and I wanted... Once upon a time I became completely obsessed with keeping this person in my life. I even dated his friend to keep him close but not too close, which was deterimental in the long run because of how much emotional abuse I suffered in that relationship.

Once upon a time I fell in love. We fell in love. But we were both too scared of our feelings to fully open up...or when we did we pulled back and hid. We returned to our safe spaces and created distance until we could handle what we were feeling for the other. The withdrawl wrecked me. Imagine setting up your life around a person, so you could spend as much time with them as possible due to distance restrictions just too have them revoke their attention...for months long periods. I'd give him his time and his space. I would be sad and eventually would seek him out. And he always took me back. And he always loved me, as I loved him. But we were both always scared.

He says I didn't really show myself as much as he showed himself,that my restraint on sharing made him withdraw, that he was bored with what we had. But he was always there, waiting, sometimes watching, reaching out to entreat me back. I actively loved him for three years annd i've inactively loved him since. Every time I think I've finally moved on and my feelings are gone they resurface. It's just so typical of the relationship we had, except now he's not there for me to talk to. I can't find him anywhere and the longer the silence grows the more I realize how he must have felt when I didn't come back. When he reached out that final time and I brushed him off because of then current relationship turbulence...well lets just say there are only three things that I regret more in life. so far.

Once upon a time I choose to have a relationship with someone in order to get over the fedora wearing mustachioed sarcastic magnetic flirty asshole....and it changed everything.