To tell you I'm sorry

I was already very conflicted, as you can tell if you explore any of my social media from april-august 2011. I wanted something other than what was happening in my life but I couldn't actually have what I wanted. I was using other things to fill that hole that Nathan left. I didn't want it to be over, but I didn't want to be sad dwelling on how much I missed my person. So I started to live my life like he wasn't coming back. But then at the end of June he did.

Unfortunately, for both of us I now think, I was just more conflicted about my feelings. I obviously still had them for Nathan, and even though I loved him truely, madly, and deeply, I really didn't want to get my heart broken even more than the last time. I had spent months trying to put myself back together, improve myself from where I was, and heal that I was very hesitant about opening up to him again.
I wanted him, sure, but I didn't want to be destroyed again. But I was eleated and full of so much love for him. I never shared that part with anyone, maybe him, but I really was so glad to be back into contact with him. I talked to him every chance I got as long as I wasn't going out of my way to do it. I really did want him to be my everything...even though I was having sex with someone else. It's fucked up, I know.

You see, I really was trying to be better for us. I was trying to make money, learn new skills, move out of my parents, to support myself, maybe further my education eventually, and just go out and be happy. Just like Nathan asked me to. I was in full blown self discovery mode while slogging through an 8-10hour day with social interaction out the wazoo. It was helpful for me, all of these connections I was making. But they were also pulling me away from Nathan. My here and present life was taking over. And I was choosing myself over everything and everybody else's choices. I gave him what I could without it being too much...

I'm continuing but also switching topics a bit.

In June a new person started working at Winegard.
I knew him from afar, from high school...he was a friend of a friend of my brother.
He had this farmer vibe, with the I work on my motors and hunt and fish and wear cowboy boots and tight pants kind of way. I'd always admired him from afar...like I liked the way he looked.
Because of this he was perfect for my experiement.
you see, i had deep down full blown emotional and physical need and love for Nathan, and I was kind of starting to like Don because of the way he talked to me and the way he made me feel with his body. I was getting mixed signals because I had Nathan back in my life and I thought maybe those feelings were spilling over and making me have more feelings for Don than I really did.
Don and I were also taking a break so I was missing him.
I wanted to see if it was just the affection that was causing the emotions. Like I wasn't looking for a relationship with Don outside of the bedroom and the dom.sub thing I was trying out.
I was beginning to wonder if I was being driven by sex rather than logic...so I picked one of the other guys in the factory and I let him whoo me.
Thomas was new, and nice, and different, very different than my standard "type". He wasn't an asshole, he wasn't nonchalant about the fact he liked me.
He was shy and cute and well, pretty much everything that the other two weren't.

And I went on dates with him. We hung out and listened to music or watched movies. I let him hold my hand and cuddle me. Sometimes we kissed but it was short and sweet. I met his family and rode around for hours in his big truck. And I liked him, but I didn't like him enough to date him, or to have sex with him in a relationship kind of way....
this one date we went swimming just so I could test myself, you know couples in the water and shit, touching, rubbing, and holding.... and I wasn't aroused or attracted to him anymore in the least, the kissing was only ever nice. I made him take me home after that date and then very politely showed him the door out of my life. Because it was all a test and my findings showed me My feelings for Nathan were real, and my feelings for Don were real. Both were real and valid and lived inside me. One love was built on years of dialogue, affection, and the darkness that lived in both of us. And the other was purely physical. At least that's what I thought at the time.